20 April 2012

What gives you the right to fuel your nicotine addiction on office time?

Unusual for me but this time in my big match sojourn to Sri Lanka I had the dubious opportunity to have dinner with some heavyweight tie and cufflink types. They were sweating profusely in the warm March Colombo night on the 80 Club lawn while I stretched and relaxed in my shorts and tee. Being on holiday gave me the excuse to dress like that; otherwise maybe I would also have been culprit to this archaic British ritual. Not the sitting in a club and drinking every evening, the strangling oneself with a tie one.

A fellow of those who like to be strangled for about 12 hours a day was moaning about the lack of the ideal employee in SL. He was just diversifying and launching a few new brands as those in fashionable marketing call it. Therefore he needed good, no great staff. Male or Female, but those from the marketing and communications industries with verve, flair, the wow factor, forgive me but yes, the X factor. My removal from Sri Lanka for almost seven years now had me reminiscing about the old. But I did have some damn fine people I worked with over the years, still at it in Colombo, more senior but very few.

As the conversation progressed we were identifying the perfect employee. To do so we had to first identify the useless employee. The arrival of the second bottle of Absolut enhanced everyone’s contribution. So the negative employee (no sex discrimination) had these following characteristics.

Never on time. Always problems with mode of transport breaking down. But always the first to leave, again because of transport problems!

Always has some issue. Cold, Fever, Migraine, Car Broken, Parent Sick, Funeral in Family, Weight Issues, Moods and unfortunately in some women period pains. That time of the month is not my business, I hired you to most efficiently contribute to the success of my organisation, non productivity for five days of a twenty three day working month over time builds up to a lot of time wasted. Gossip and issues created with other employees was one of the most popular complaints.

A member of every possible social media available in the modern world. Spends more time blogging and looking at other peoples profiles on Facebook to find life partner or in the case of the men, our eternal dream, a fuck buddy. A concept that exists only in our minds but we men lives in eternal hope. If you did it in your free time from home that’s all cool, but doing in on my organisations time while being paid, that’s not cool.

Longest toilet breaks, tea breaks, lunch breaks, smoke breaks. The more smokers in an office, the less productive. What gives you the right to fuel your nicotine addiction on office time?

Dishonesty, misuse of office equipment, material and transport pool came out on top.

These were the five main points. All the many others were trivial. So obviously the positive employee is the one who has none of the above characteristics.

These men in ties strangling themselves were tough men, gone through the corporate ladder to be where there were now, so they knew every trick of the trade.

What stuck with me was no one could identify more than two or three people they had worked with or trained who were actually very good. Although they themselves had over two decades of professional experience under their belt.

So maybe it’s something for the Sri Lankan teenagers and young graduates to practice. Who knows it will all lead to a proper minimum wage in Sri Lanka?

If your in office and reading this, get a life, or better get a job.

19 April 2012

Prayer or anal beads? No need to wonder - why bother. Both bugger you any which way. 

10 April 2012

Bhadrakaali help

Darkness everywhere
It’s absolute
Welcoming because here is nothing to see
Like the juicy fruit gum she would chew
Before I kissed her
In the dark…
Sweet and fruity
Forbidden love
The unwashed hanky
From the rock concert
So is the shirt with her scent
From the party
All in the darkness
Gone for ever
There is darkness everywhere
I see better
I see her
I embrace her
I even dream of her
In the darkness
Tell me can you do better?
In darkness…

The multi headed goddess
She who punishes
The multi handed warrior god
He who vanquishes
The elephant headed god
He who protects
They wait
In darkness
Dark statues
Dark shadows
Why should the gods be?
Be in darkness?
Darkness, everywhere           
I have no where to run
I love you

Sati                        One who got burned alive
Saadhvi            The Sanguine
Bhavaprita            One who is loved by the universe
Bhavaani                        The abode of the universe
Bhavamochani                        The absolver of the universe
Aarya                                    Goddess
Durga                                    The Invincible
Jaya                                    The Victorious
Aadya                                    The Initial reality
Trinetra                        One who has three-eyes
Shooldharini                        One who holds a monodent
Pinaakadharini                        One who holds the trident of Shiva
Chitra                                    The Picturesque
Chandaghanta                        One who has mighty bells
Mahatapa                        With severe penance
Manah                                    Mind
Buddhi                                    Intelligence
Ahankaara                        One with Pride
Chittarupa                        One who is in thought-state
Chita                                    Death-bed
Chiti                                    The thinking mind
Sarvamantramayi            One who possess all the instruments of thought
Satta                                    One who is above all
Satyanandasvarupini                        Form of Eternal bliss
Ananta                                    One who is Infinite or beyond measure
Bhaavini                        The Beautiful Woman
Bhaavya                        Represents Future
Bhavya                        With Magnificence
Abhavya                        Improper or fear-causing
Sadagati                        Always in motion, bestowing Moksha (salvation)
Shaambhavi                        Consort of Shambhu
Devamata                        Mother Goddess
Chinta                                    Tension
Ratnapriya                        Adorned or loved by jewels
Sarvavidya                        Knowledgeable
Dakshakanya                        Daughter of Daksha
Dakshayajñavinaashini            Interrupter of the sacrifice of Daksha
Aparna                                                One who doesnt eat even leaves while fasting
Anekavarna                                    One who has many complexions
Paatala                                                Red in color
Paatalavati                                    Wearing red-color attire
Pattaambaraparidhaana            Wearing a dress made of leather
Kalamanjiiraranjini                        Wearing a musical anklet
Ameyaa                                    One who is beyond measure
Vikrama                                    Violent
Krrooraa                                    Brutal (on demons)
Sundari                                    The Gorgeous
Sursundari                                    Extremely Beautiful
Vandurga                                    Goddess of forests
Maatangi                                    Goddess of Matanga
Matangamunipujita                        Worshipped by Sage Matanga
Braahmi                                    Power of God Brahma
Maaheshvari                                    Power of Lord Mahesha (Shiva)
Aeindri            Power of God Indra
Kaumaari            The adolescent
Vaishnavi            The invincible
Chaamunda            Slayer of Chanda and Munda(demons)
Vaarahi            One who rides on Varaah
Lakshmi            Goddess of Wealth
Purushaakriti            One who takes the form of a man
Vimalauttkarshini            One who provides joy
Gyaana            Full of Knowledge
Kriya            One who is in action
Nitya            The eternal one
Buddhida            The bestower of wisdom
Bahula                        One who is in various forms
Bahulaprema                        One who is loved by all
Sarvavahanavahana                        One who rides all vehicles
NishumbhaShumbhaHanani                        Slayer of the demon-brothers Shumbha Nishumbha
MahishasuraMardini                                    Slayer of the bull-demon Mahishaasura
MadhuKaitabhaHantri                                    Slayer of the demon-duo Madhu and Kaitabha
ChandaMundaVinashini                        Destroyer of the ferocious asuras Chanda and Munda
Sarvasuravinasha                        Destroyer of all demons
Sarvadaanavaghaatini                        Possessing the power to kill all the demons
Sarvashaastramayi                        One who is deft in all theories
Satya                                                The truth
Sarvaastradhaarini            Possessor of all the missile weapons
Anekashastrahasta            Possessor of many hand weapons
AnekastraDhaarini            Possessor of many missile weapons
Komaari            The beautiful adolescent
Ekakanya            The girl child
Kaishori            The adolescent
Yuvati                        The Woman
Yati                        Ascetic, one who renounces the world
Apraudha            One who never gets old
Praudha            One who is old
Vriddhamaata                        The old mother (loosely)
Balaprada                        The bestower of strength
Mahodari                        One who has huge belly which stores the universe
Muktakesha                        One who has open tresses
Ghorarupa                        Having a fierce outlook
Mahaabala                        Having immense strength
Agnijwaala                        One who is poignant like fire
Raudramukhi                        One who has a fierce face like destroyer Rudra
Kaalaratri                        Goddess who is black like night
Tapasvini                        one who is engaged in penance
Narayani                        The destructive aspect of Lord Narayana (Brahma)
Bhadrakaali                        Fierce form of Kali
Vishnumaya                        Spell of Lord Vishnu
Jalodari                        Abode of the ethereal universe
Shivadooti                        Ambassador of Lord Shiva
Karaali                        The Violent
Ananta                        The Infinite
Parameshvari                        The Ultimate Goddess
Katyayani                        One who is worshipped by sage Katyanan
Savitri                                    Daughter of the Sun God Savitr
Pratyaksha                        One who is real
Brahmavaadini            One who is present everywhere

Dhammika Dharmawardhane                        Her servant
The names for Kaali the warrior goddess.